You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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