my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
