Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
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Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
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As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
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