don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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