You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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