I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
