shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
