she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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