The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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