mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
