....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Randomize
