I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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