Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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