i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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