im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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