got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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