my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
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