dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
