U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
