When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
