I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I just gift wrapped bread.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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