he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
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Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
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No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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