I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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