We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
