I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
