The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
