Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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