Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Randomize
