I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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