So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Randomize
