im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Your shirt... Was in my pants
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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