Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
