I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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