Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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