I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
