He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
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I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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