Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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