Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
