so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
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We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
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The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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