I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Randomize
