First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
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