also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
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He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
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We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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