Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
