I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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