I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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