Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
