I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
