the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
