Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
