Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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