Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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