on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
